I almost had a group of friends ...

It was almost a 6 months ago now, and I have mostly healed myself from the embarrassment from the whole debacale.

You see, I just wanted to be a light. I wanted to be an encouragement....but I forgot for a moment that my story is nothing like anyone else in that room.  My life of raising Haden is complex and deep. And unless you are living life with me … you do not understand or know the depth or complexities of our chaos.


So here it is … the story of the time I almost made friends in Colorado.

It was at a weekly bible study. It was ladies night so the husbands were at home getting the kids fed and put to bed. If John had just been by my side, he would have explained it better.  

I was the mom there with the oldest kids. The others all still deep in toddlerhood with several moms in midst of an infant and toddler.  whoof …. that was a rough time to live through …. I remember. 
After the study while everyone was commiserating about the trials, and the mom guilt, and the crying … so much crying.  

That's when I did it.

I said all the wrong things.

I just wanted to give hope that days get better and before you know it, you are living life WITH your kids not exhausting yourself by serving you kids. 

I told them a story of when I was a mom of much younger sons. I was at MY end, and a few moments before John could get home from work to rescue me … I locked my kid in the bathroom.  
Totally trying to communicate that there are days you loose yourself … and then you rest, and have help … and you are a good again. 

What I forgot most of all, is that all those ladies in that room  DO NOT KNOW OUR STORY.  

They do not know ME, and the UGLY TRUTHS I was living through in those moments. 

They did not know that this was a moment in time when Haden's potty-training was at an all time worst. (remember here that because of Haden's mental disabilities it took him a full 3 years to get trained up) He would poop in his underwear at nap or early mornings and then smear the feces through the carpets, on his toys, and all over the door, windows, and walls.   
It was at a time when the carpet steamer didn't even get unplugged for months.
I can handle a lot, but this multiple times a day - smelly clean up, and the realization that my child is not going to be "normal" was sending me into panic attacks. Not the type you see on tv where people loose their breath and are ok moments later … but a scary -  mom as small on the floor as I could get, screaming in pain and pulling my hair out in the fist fulls -  just trying to reliever the emotional pain of all the uncertainty and chaos.  
And more that I had a older son testing limits.
Yes, I locked my kids in a safe spot … and I held in my panic attack until I was in a safe space for them not to see me.  And I reached out for help. and I had a break.  Yes. I broke, and I healed, and was still a good mom through all of that. 

All I wanted to say to them was there are days you stick your kid in a bathroom where they are safe to be ok, and there are other days you go to a park for lunch. 

But that's not what they heard.

Because they did not KNOW ME.
They did NOT know my LIFE STORY.

I noticed within the conversation that they all changed their thinking of me.
I wasn't going to be accepted into their group after that.

I have seen a few of these ladies around town in the past months. 
I see them look at me with wide, terrified, eyes and turn the other way as fast as they can.
I see them - see what they think I am - not see me.

Because of this moment … I left the church we were trying to fit into for the prior year.
  And we are not missed there,  even though we do miss going.


And I have come to realization that my life is not in a season of loneliness 
    ... raising special needs kids means living a life of loneliness. 

You cannot understand my story unless you live it with me. 

I do not write this for pity, but to finish healing.
I do have some friends … and a handful of people here in Colorado that will say "hi" to me. 
And I am grateful for all the moments those that love me try to understand my world … but all I live through is not easy, and I understand that it is too much for most to even ask me about. Becausethere is deep heartache, there is panic, there is major fear, there is crying in lots of parking lots and showers, and there is joy that after 3 very LONG years there is new paint on Haden's bedroom wall.